this beer tastes like vomit already
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
