Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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