Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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