My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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