and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
They have beer where we have blood.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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