Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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