I wish my penis had an off switch
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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