I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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