Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
