I wanna bring you to show and tell
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
