Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
