Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
