I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
