If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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