Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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