I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
