dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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