I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
