She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
