got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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