I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
