Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
