ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
