So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
then he tried to convert me to islam
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Randomize
