saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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