she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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