It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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