what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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