I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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