My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Never joke about your clitoris.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
