Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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