I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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