I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
