my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
