he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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