not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
