If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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