it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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