We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
