Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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