I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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