Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
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We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
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Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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