cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
