Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Pants are for mortals
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
