I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
