I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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