I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
