Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
