Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sext me about skeletons
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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