he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
