booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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