I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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