What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
