It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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