Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
