Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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