I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
