Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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