how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
