Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
