My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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