How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
