You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
