she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
