Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
